deep within lies a dark secret

I used to enjoy doing this way back when I believed that fairy tales come true. I'd write my name and some boy's name and hope that by some twist of fate his parents named him in such a way that when the similar letters are counted we'll end up as Friends, Lovers, Married, or Sweethearts and not Angry [at each other] or Enemies. I remember that I used to feel bad whenever we didn't end up together as I wanted and how embarassed I was when my mom or my siblings found the notebooks or pieces of paper where I scribbled my countless attempts of pairing myself up with the boys I had a crush on. None of what I FLAMES-ed came true except for the guys whom were predicted to be my Friends.

Looking back, I now realize how pathetic I was. Someone who believes that by some miracle what was written on that piece of paper would come true because it was "destiny". But I couldn't blame that girl back then for believing because she never knew what the real world was. Yes perhaps there is such a thing as destiny but it can never be predicted. You just have to go live by the day and let fate surprise you.

As much as I want to know what ending is I know  there is absolutely no one who can tell me how it ends or how it turns out for the simple reason that the rest of the story has yet to be written.

Letters magically appear as I read the last sentence. As I turn the page, I'm looking forward to know what happens next.

:)

For the first time, I'm glad it'll be Monday soon!  \(^o^)/ *excited* I hope nothing would come up and ruin it!

Just finished reading Cross and the manga version of Maximum Ride by James Patterson. The former is a nice fast paced novel about a psycho killer hunt while the other is a novel about winged teenagers trying to find their place in this world (hi Fang you're hot! ^_^). I like Patterson's writing style. Short concise chapters with elaborate details enough for you to get the picture or the vibe of the scene without falling asleep.

Just finished watching episode 10 of the Korean version of Hanayori Dango/Meteor Garden. *sigh* Goo Jun Pyo, too bad you don't exist in real life. Rich, handsome jerks don't do a complete 180 in real life (kung yung mga panget nga at walang perang jerk di nag-wa-180 yung mga mayayaman at gwapo pa?) hahahaha.

Kinikilabutan ako, ang galing galing na ni Naruto! Hindi na sya LOSERRRRR! Ang pogi! ^__________^ Waves of RAAAAGE!

Just for two weeks or a month. It will be a blast. I can do anything that I want. I wonder if I'd still be alive after that. It's not that I don't trust myself to not go beyond limits but what if? But then, even if something happens to me, at least perhaps I could say, "hey I lived my life".

Must work on that visa. >_<

First off, yay! Brad remembers me as "Naruto Girl" <3 Hahahaha so cute ^_^ v

It has been a very relaxing yet happy Christmas once again for us. No Christmas tree this year but it's still good. I'm currently in the 316th chapter of One Piece and I am anxiously waiting for the Korean HanaYori Dango series ( hot girly boys alert X_X ). I also have 1 season of Big Bang Theory to finish plus 5 pounds to lose. ^_^

I hope you guys had an awesome Christmas as well. Merry Christmas!

It's been a while. After having a Big Bang Theory ( a nice geeky tv series referred to my brother)  marathon for the past couple of days together with One Piece manga reading, I must say I miss working ~_~. Hahaha. 

I usually log into my Multiply account only when I really have an awesome pictorial or if someone added me. I don't know why. I used to be fond of it but now not as much. I guess I'd rather be blogging here in my "secret" nook (although actually if someone Googled for my name they'll find this sooner or later. I wonder if someone actually did that... :p ) than posting all of my wahoo photos there. For those who are wondering I'm doing just fine. I'm happy with the way things are going so far but of course there are still tons of things that I want to accomplish. And yes I still want to travel (so much <3) ! It would be nice to have a lot of travel/adventure buddies soon but of course I'll still keep the budgeting in mind. Japan + Sakura Blossom season will never be removed from my list until it happens! >_<

My year (the year of the Awesome Rat) is coming to an end. *sigh* I wish I'd still be lucky next year. I'm looking forward to turning 25 for some reason. ^_^ And no I'm not getting married next year haha (or at least I think so O_O ). I think marriage is scary (is this a bad thing? hahaha) It's not that I don't believe in it, it's just that all the responsibilities that come with it are overwhelming. Obligation to your husband, having kids, house bills, in-laws. I'd be lucky if I find someone mature and responsible enough to be in a tag team with me (after some self-reflection I realized that I need someone horribly mature - not in age! i don't want a very old guy - for me. I think I'm very immature ~_~)  if ever I'll be married someday. Things that bother the mind when you're in your twenties *LOL*

I had a pretty interesting birthday this year. Apparently I haven't had measles when I was a kid so I'm having it now. Aside from the occasional inconvenience, my birthday was still awesome. My sister gave me one hell of a surprise by bullying(? *LOL*) her friends to greet me on my birthday. One of her blockmates even gave me a cake. ^_^ ( thank you CM! hehe :p )  My officemates gave me a giant card (I've always wanted one of those) and a "makeout" (one of those ridiculously Hershey's GIANT Kisses). It was interesting to note that most of their wishes involve more first kisses and boyfriends for some reason (hmm I wonder why. I'm sooooo used to random hookups, are they trying to make me settle down? *shakes head*) hahaha.

I had a John and Yoko dinner with my family. It was great. ^_^

It's a pity that I won't be able to go to our department's Christmas Party because of my stupid measles. The theme is Hollywood night and people are going to dress up as movie characters (and yes I won't be surprised if there willl be a couple of teen vampires there). *sigh* Just when I thought I'd be able to "cosplay" again ~_~

Love the video. :) I heart Motion City Soundtrack <3

Singapore Edition!

1)  If you don't pay enough attention to your boyfriend you'll surely lose him. Boys get lonely sometimes and they will always have this tendency to look for affection/affirmation somewhere else. (To Little Ms. Lucky, you're very fortunate that I'm not a slut remember that ^_^ ) And as for me I'll remember that just in case hehe :)

2)  A smile is a sure fire way to meet friends. I met a pharmacist from Davao, a French flight steward (who takes trips to Japan! gahd what a lucky SOB! >_<), a cool woman taxi driver and several Pinoy workers at the zoo.

3) Singapore's MRT/BUS system is pure awesome

4) Never drink tap water unless it's boiled even if people claim that it's ok.

5) It's not wise to splurge too much on clothes.

6) I'm really not a clubbing type of person. The crowd scares me. I feel like there are too many perverts inside.

7) SG is sooooo expensive.

8) Amazing Race is hard. I've always had this fantasy of joining the Amazing Race, but after getting lost a couple of times and all the walking around in SG (with just a shoulder bag, not a friggin oversized backpack!, it's really tiring) made me realize that my body is not up to it, or perhaps at least not just yet. There were times when I almost lost my patience and hell if it was that "time of the month" I'll probably just lose it. However... if I worked out a little bit more perhaps... I'd still enjoy it :)

9) The Songs of the Sea attraction in Sentosa is a "must-see". For 8SGD it's a steal.

10) There's no place like home. I 've only been gone for 5 days but despite the freedom, I really missed my family. Perhaps I'm not meant to be away for such a long time from them. But I won't deny it, the momentary freedom was awesome!  ^_______^

Meet my new posse...

I had one awesome Trick or Treat day ^___________________________^. I'm glad I had the chance to do one of the things that I have always wanted to do.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

1)  You don't need any programming experience  to lead a JAVA development team. With years of company experience, you can be leader of any group as long as you have the right people supporting you. That said, I shouldn't give up about getting into Pixar or Square Enix after all. Hahaha (I wish)
     
2)  Effort > Expensive. In choosing gifts for a special someone, the effort that you put into a gift is worth a million times more than how the gift costs. Creating a jar full of letters hidden in fortune cookies or writing down wishes on a thousand paper cranes that you made yourself will trump a dozen of expensive roses anytime. (ahh so that was the problem? ... hehehe)

3) Negative thinking brings out the monster in you. There was this one day when I focused on a negative thought and I ended up being a bitch the entire day. I'll never do that again.

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So it has been two weeks. Our project is doing well based on my assessment. We're still on schedule. I have learned to be more patient and more supportive. There's just this tiny feeling of 'unfairness' left but I'll work my way around it. I'm still probably luckier compared to others and there's always something that we can do about a situation when we're not happy about it anyway.

     
   

Binalikan ko yung mga pictures ko for the past 2-3 years....

Ang masasabi ko lang, .... ang laki ng iginanda ko ngayon . Hahahahaha ^___^

Reflection:

I do not deserve to be a leader. I'm not motivated enough nor do I trust my abilities to lead a team. This is how I feel right now. I'm horribly disorganized and I'm afraid that my team mates will soon have no respect for me. I don't know how to delegate work and I'm eating all the responsibilities that I don't even have to. I feel really bad because I often compare my state to the state of other people in other teams. I envy them because they have someone to guide them to seniority while I have to work on it on my own. I'm currently confused if I should keep on pursuing this path even if I know that this is not really what I want. Would it be worth it in the end even if I want to change my career path? If I make a track change then all the years of patience and work would go to waste because I'll technically be starting from the bottom again. >_< I know I'm headed towards something big but I'm not sure if that's what I really want. What do I want? I don't know! I simply just don't want this, or at least that's how I feel right now. 

Now that the negative's out time for action.

Action:

I can do it. I already have an idea of what we'll be doing. I'll do just fine. I'll divide the project into modules and delegate the work among us. I'll ask for team mates opinions as well so that they too will have a sense of project ownership. I'll stop comparing myself with my other co-workers because our circumstances are different. I'm lucky that I have the chance to grow by myself and I have the opportunity to develop projects that I can call mine. Regardless of whether I change career paths or not, I will do my best at work. There's no need to be depressed because everything is under control.

See you in two weeks. Let's see how I fare by then.

In other news...

Hmm I started to feel someone's absence just recently. This is not good. I felt this before and I know exactly why. I need a really really effective distraction.

I've met new friends this week. One who I greeted in the elevator on my way home and one who added me randomly in his YM list and who mysteriously knows me even if i have no idea who he is (save for the fact that he is in our department). It's amazing O_O In my 2++ stay I never met people on my own. They'd either be introduced to me or they simply are near in proximity. Moreover, people I meet who haven't seen me in a long time always tell me that I look younger. One time even one of our new hires approached me and asked me how old I was randomly out of nowhere while we were talking about Naruto and our lives in Ateneo (which I found a bit adorable ^_^ ).

I didn't do much to be honest. I just got a haircut (actually almost two months ago), and smiled most of the time (but of course emo days will be an exception. When I'm bad trip, I AM BAD TRIP >_<). However, I'll be busy in the next few months so I'll probably smile less again with all the stress but I hope I can keep the nice disposition somehow.  I'd scare the people away again with bad vibes so I think I must use the upcoming hell to train my self to not be a bitch when I'm stressed. *breathes out*

  hope that I'll have a chance to cosplay this October. I hope my close office friends would still be there though... 

So a lot of people have noticed the change. i just wonder why they usually associate changes with the words "in love ka no?" hahahaha. Hey can't I change because I want to feel good about myself? These people tsk. Hehe  :p But changing not for meeting the expectations of others but for yourself feels really good.

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I feel bad about the thought of having my closest friends distrbuted all in diiferent parts of the world in the near future. My best friend is in Dubai (I miss you Vanet!), Jamonkey will be in Japan and Lele will be in the US! One of my closest friends in the office will head off to Singapore in a few years also. I'm happy for them because they're going places but the thought of running out of people close to me to hang out with depresses me (even if we don't really go out  that much).  There's a big difference between hanging out with people you really trust and people you just go out to have fun with. But the on the bright side, I'll soon have reasons to visit those places.

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The annual fee of the Citibank Premier miles card is so friggin expensive! >_< I thought of getting one because of the awesome perks but what a crappy 5K annual fee @_@. BPI's NWA card is too limited for me. Should I go for the Mabuhay miles of Allied Bank instead? Hmm decisions, decisions...

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It will be October soon. I'll finally be able to wear my cosplay stuff on Halloween *crosses-fingers* I still don't have a wig. >_<

1)  Never have sex with a person that you don't know. He might be a relative.

I watched Maalaala Mo Kaya yesterday. Christine Reyes was the lead actress for the episode. The story was about an orphaned girl who went to Manila to look for her supposed father to get out of the clutches of her abusive aunt. She turned into prostitution in the process and unknowingly slept and had a romantic relationship with her half-brother and her biological father which she found out WAY TOO LATE. I find the story outrageous, I mean seriously, do these things really happen in real life?

2) Pay attention when people are being introduced.

I am guilty of not remembering people's names especially when I'm not interested in them. However, it's probably the people that I'm not interested in who can help me advance in life. So from now on, every one gets equal treatment.

3) Trinoma is a big place.

It was my first time in Trinoma. I was so excited when I first set foot in it. I don't like how the stores were placed though. It was a bit confusing @_@ But it's just a first timer's problem I guess. I used to feel the same way about Glorietta but now that I'm familiar with it, it's all good. For other first timers, go to the concierge and get a map.

4) The people you miss will always be in your dreams.

There are people that I miss that I couldn't say "I miss you" to. Either they/re dead or the circumstances doesn't allow me to. I wish I could hug them and tell them that I miss them. I find it frustrating that even in my dreams I couldn't do it.

5) Walking alone in a dark populated street is safer than walking in an illuminated empty walkway.

I did this once. It was scary. I was supposed to take the walkway but there was no one walking with me. I was afraid that someone would just snatch me and drag me away in the parking lot without anyone hearing me scream so I walked on the dark roads where people can see me. At least I have witnesses if worst comes to worst.

6) Depression hits when my mind is not busy

I think this is a universal thing. The solution is simply to pre-occupy one's self with things that can help in one's growth to avoid moments of wallowing in self-pity, problems etc. Having a mind "lag time" is not avoidable but it can be reduced to a fair minimum.
 
That's all that I have to share for now. May it help you when get to experience something similar ^_^

I attract insensitive people like sugar attracts ants. Unbelievable. And they all have the same approach too and in the end I'm the one harassed either verbally, physically, emotionally or psychologically. Seriously these people tsk. But I promise that the one I had today will be the last "dramatic" conversation with the insensitive ones. I just find it pointless to argue to prove a point that they will never see because they just had to be always right. I'd just let them believe what they want to believe but I'd still listen to what they have to say just because there might be something that I can learn from them somehow. Moreover, today was the tipping point. I've decided that I wouldn't let them fuck the remaining years that I have left no matter how much it may be. I'm going to care less for others and be more selfish for a change since I'm sensing that this is what He wants me to do I suppose.

P.S.
I'm getting my goodies tomorrow. So actually I'm already feeling better. ^_^ Just had to let that one out.

P.P.S
I never won a debate/argument in my entire life. ^_^ My opponents are always right even if I know that they can be proven wrong. I just don't know how.

My previous record was 28 hours. Today I have an all time career high of 32 hours without sleep! YEEEEEEEEEEEY! \(^o^)/ Hahahahha

I got to watch 3 movies yesterday: Across the Universe, Made of Honor and Teeth. 3 very diverse movie genres. Across the Universe is nice. Loved how the Beatles' songs were interpreted. The aquatic sex sequence was tastefully done, I liked that part the most although whenever I see Evan Rachel Wood I'm reminded of Marilyn Manson (O_O). Made of Honor was ok. Like Seducing Mr. Perfect it's all about the player settling for the girl who was always taken for granted. The player's rules are pretty helpful too (no not for fooling guys but for learning how to avoid them hahaha).  I'm glad I watched Teeth last. My officemates and I had a laugh trip because of it. It's B-movie by the way so don't expect too much haha. Vagina dentata for the win! This is probably the evolutionary measure needed by women to end infidelity once and for all. It's all about girl power *LOL* This is the "birthing video"counterpart for the boys. Don't say I didn't warn you. Hahaha